Not the Plan

I had it all planned out. I would leave my parents place at 4, run an errand, fill up my tank and then by 4:30 I would be on the road to my friend's house. Everything would go smoothly, I would arrive there at 5:30 and we'd go to church at 6:30. See? All planned!

Of course, I had forgotten to factor in the big game happening across the road. The area was parked up for a two block radius. By the time I had found a park, walked to the shops, grabbed what I wanted and walked back it was already 4:30. I chewed on my lip, decided not to stress and just drive to the petrol station.

Two minutes later saw my car refusing to start at a roundabout. With my nose jutting out slightly. I was completely out of gas.

I started freaking out. I couldn't stay where I was. I couldn't move. I needed to ring my parents. This was not part of the plan.

Questions swirled: should I stay where I was and hope for the best? Should I get out and push my own car? Should I get out and ask the guy in the car behind me for help? What was I going to do?

I started breathing too fast. My hands were shaking. I was terrified.

Just then, I saw that the guy behind me had gotten out of his car and was walking towards me. I took a deep breath, composed myself, and rolled down my window. I didn't know what to expect.

"Put her in neutral and I'll push you around the corner." He wasn't yelling at me! I breathed a sigh of relief, then thanked him.

He pushed me around the corner and I coasted forward, stopping across a driveway. Well, at least I was no longer sitting with my nose sticking into potential traffic at a roundabout.

I pulled out my phone. I called Mum. No answer. Freak out resumed.

The guy who had helped me pulled up and came over again. I rolled my window down again and explained that I was out of petrol. He asked if I needed any help and I told him I was going to ring my parents. He looked relieved then offered to push me again so that I wasn't over the driveway.

I called Dad. Immediately, he came out with some petrol to put into my tank. For a brief moment, it looked like it was working. Then the car stopped again and wouldn't start. Dad hopped back in his car and drove to the nearest petrol station to get more fuel.

This time, we poured 5 litres in. The engine was turning over, but kept sputtering to a stop before any real success was achieved.

Dad popped the hood. Nothing. We conferred briefly and he jumped back in his car to go get some rope.

At this point, it was 5:30. I was starting to realise that I wasn't going to make it to my friends house on time! So yeah. This is not the way I planned it. At all.

And I couldn't help but see the similarities between this incident and my life.

I let myself go too long without taking proper care of myself. "Just a little while longer. I can do this! It's sorted". I knew I had emotional scars and suspected that I had depression, but I was coping. At least, I was getting stuff done.

Then came the anxiety attacks. The signs that I really had gone too far and my body was going to force me to stop. So I did. Sort of. I got someone to push me for a little while and mistook that for "all better!".

I got stuck again. I got some more help. I tried to start up again. It looked like it was going to work. Then came the start of uni and the realisation that I could not handle it just then. That was not part of the plan.

But that is where I ended up. Sitting in my car, re-evaluating my plans and not knowing when, or even if, I'd be able to carry on with my original plans. And I'm terrified.

Spring is Coming!!

Hey guys!

Sorry this is so late in the day, but it was afull on week, so I took today really slowly. Which was much needed and greatly enjoyed!

First of all, I want to thank everyone who took time to answer the question in my survey! The answers were all really helpful! If you haven't had a chance to answer those questions, the survey will be open for another week, and can be found here. I'd love it if you could head on over there and answer them. They're helping me made this blog a lot better!

Secondly, this one is mostly pictorial: because spring is coming and it makes me so happy!! It helps that I have the time and the energy to really pay attention this year. Have there always been this many birds, flowers, and insects around, or have I just been really tunnel-visioned?

Anyway, enjoy these beautiful sights!!

Thank you!
Laura Dee

May I ask for your help?

Hello friends!

Today, I'm starting those steps towards the promised content I've been talking about for ages!

First of all, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been reading and praying for me. I know I haven't been the most regular blogger ever, so it really does mean so much that people care enough to check in when I do post.

Second of all, I am going to continue with my gratitude/update posts. I seem to be getting those done on a fortnightly basis, so, for the time being I will stick to a fortnightly schedule. On the alternative week in the cycle, I will have a mid-week post. This will focus more on some of the topics and issues I've mentioned in passing over the last few months. Namely: trusting in God through suffering and lament.

This is where you come in. In order to help me with focusing the posts, and even just my own thinking, I would love your input. To do that, I'd really appreciate it if you could head over to this link and answer three short questions about lament and suffering.

Once you've done that, I'd love it if you could share this post with the link around as I would love to hear from as many people as possible.

Once again, thank you so much for everything. I'm looking forward to hearing from you all,

Laura Dee

Driving Without a Destination

So, it's been a couple of weeks since I posted, but there should be an increasing regularity of posts from here on out. I actually have drafts!! But for now, I'm going to share what I'm grateful for this fortnight!

1) the return of my creativity! Or, more accurately, the return of my ability to exercise it. This has been showing up in the increasing of knitting, writing, cooking, baking, room arranging and photography I've been doing. You have no idea how excited I am for this! The more anxious and depressed I became, the less I engaged in the creative stuff I love, and I didn't even realise it. It's only been this last fortnight that I've really noticed my creativity resurfacing, and it genuinely makes me so, so happy. Because when I did think about it, I either thought I must have imagined ever being creative or that I would never be creative again. Both options scared me.

2) This is pretty much all today. Which isn't to say that there hasn't been other stuff in thankful for over the last two weeks, but today was a wonderful day.

Yesterday, I asked God to help me feel the immediacy, the reality, of His presence and love in my life. And today He answered spectacularly. Which isn't to say I'm miraculously better, just that today was a day I in which I felt comforted, loved and refreshed.

My day started before sunrise, and had lasted nearly 12 hours (so  I am actually feeling very tired), but I've spent the entire day driving around without a plan or a specific destination in mind. I've visited state parks, beaches, lookouts and my favorite tea shops. Throughout the day, God has been showing me some pretty awesome stuff, gifts for my heart, if you will. But I won't bore you with words! Take a look for yourselves!

Love,
Laura Dee

World Day Against Trafficking in Persons

Surprise! Hello!

Two post in two days? And on a Sunday? What is this?

Excellent question! This is me taking the opportunity to talk about something I am very passionate about. Today is World Day Against Human Trafficking in Persons.

Human trafficking? As in, like, slave trade? Didn't Wilberforce deal with that? Wasn't the American civil war about that? Yes and no.

Excellent strides have been made throughoht history to battle the buying and selling of humans. Unfortunately, human traffick is, from what I understand, an even greater "trade" than it used to be.

Children get kidnapped and sold as sex slaves. Men and women are forced to work in unfair conditions on little to no wages. And that's just what I am most aware of.

I confess, I don't know as much as I should. I'm willing to bet you don't either. May I take this opportunity to extend to you the same challenge I have given myself: find out!

Go looking. Become informed. You will probably be surprised and horrified by just how much of your own life is affected by human trafficking and modern day slavery.

To help you on the search, here are a couple of places you can go for information:

Stop the Traffik
I'll be honest, I only came across this site today, so I don't know it as well as I should. Still, from what I've seen, it's a good place to go to find out about the reality of trafficking.

Destiny Rescue
I have supported Destiny Rescue for a few years now. If you've been following along with this blog for a while, you'll have come across them before. Their focus is on child sex slavery and exploitation. They do excellent work rescuing and restoring children (and women) who have been forced to work as sex slaves. They also do work raising awareness and protecting at risk children. Go check them out!

Fairtrade
I love these guys! This site as a lot of information about slavery in the most common of our products: chocolate, tea, sugar, coffee and clothes, among other things. Their main focus though is not in raising awareness (although it is a large part of what they do), but in working with organisations and companies to help them be more ethical in their business practices. This is super, super important, as it is helping to fight slavery and poverty in practical ways that really make a difference. But they can tell you more than I can!

As I'm sure you can see, this is a massive issue. And really important. After all, all humas are made in the image of God - therefore they are worthy and should not be treated as cattle.

Love,
Laura Dee

Sunrise, Bad Weeks and Knitting

Hello beautiful friends!

Come in, grab a cuppa! Personally, I don't actually have a tea at hand. "What??" you say, and quite rightly. I'm not in the mood, which for the tea addict in me is a sign of the times.

Which leads me to: update time! As you have probably figured out, the last couple of weeks haven't been so good. Last week was difficult and this week was downright awful. I didn't post last week in hopes that a day with no responsibilities, with knitting and the company of Anne with an E, would help help me regain enough energy to be able to attend all four hours worth of lectures this first week of uni. See how high my bar is set at the moment?

And no, it didn't work. I didn't even have all four hours at once. I didn't even have two hours together. It was one hour per day for four days. I made it to two of them. And was reduce to an exhausted, anxious wreck of a woman by them. Even after unintentionally having two extra days of rest, I still reached Friday and was so worn out it took me THE ENTIRE DAY to strip my bed, wash my sheets, hang them out and put other sheets back on the bed. And I needed the help of one of my housemates to get that last stage done (thank you, beautiful!). The only other thing I accomplished was to go to the shops and buy a bunch of junk food. I would like to say that I did that easily, but... I nearly broke down crying in the supermarket (twice) and collapsed onto a bench outside for about 10 minutes before I could face the walk home.

So... yeah... not been doing so well. I had a good long chat with my mum and one of my housemates last night and have an idea of what I want to do moving forward. That's really helpful, but I do need to work out whether it is: a) wise and b) feasible. So, if you are the praying type, please pray!!

There is a lot more that has happened over the last couple of weeks, which I will talk about on here over the coming months, but for now, on to the next part!

Despite everything, some really exciting things happened over the last fornight that I am super grateful for.

For starters, I was able to catch up with quite a lot of my extended family. Well, the Australian side. One of my uncles is currently visiting with his children, and I was able to go up and see everyone. By everyone I mean nearly all my maternal cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Which, given how scattered my family is, is a really big deal. And I loved it. Even if I was shattered afterwards.

I also got to see my mum and youngest sister as they stopped in for a cuppa on Sunday. It was nice to be able to host them at my place and get some help from Mum on my knitting.

Which is another thing I'm grateful for. I love knitting. I really do, but it is so hard to stay focused and motivated with everything else that is going on. So, I was really excited to be able to get back into it these last couple of weeks!! I finished off a project I've been working on for a number of months now and made a decent amount of headway on a blanket I just started. Take a look:

But what I'm most grateful for was last Saturday morning. I woke up super early. Like, at four. And wasn't able to go back to sleep. I didn't even feel tired. Instead, I was keen to get up and eat breakfast. So I did. Then I realised I had plenty of time before sunrise. Now, I live on the eastern side of Australia next to what, I think, are some of the best beaches in the world (I am biased though, so don't hate me!). This meant that the temptation to drive to one of the beaches and watch the sunrise was irresistable. So I grabbed a tea, my knitting and my gratitude journal and jumped in the car.

Best decision I have made in a long while. I mean, see for yourself!

Anyway, I'll wrap it up here. Please let me know what you've been most grateful for this last fortnight in the comments below. I'd really appreciate hearing about it!

Love always,
Laura Dee

Friends and Weddings: What I'm grateful for this week

Hello dear friend,

Come on in! I wasn't sure I'd get a chance to write this week, as my energies are running really low and today is pretty much filled with the wedding of some friends. I have, however, seized a few moments of quiet and solitude by the river and figured I may as well write a quick post.

As I said, this week has been a really low week for me. After a couple of intense (for me) days on Monday and Tuesday, I crashed on Wednesday and am still recovering. This has involved feeling suicidal, the strong urge to just have a cry, and no energy to do anything except eat and sleep.

I tell you this because a) I want to keep being honest and b) because I get the feeling that when I tell people I'm "much better" they are hearing "back to health". That is not the case. I say "much better" because the fact that I'm able to eat and shower pretty much everyday is a vast improvement on where I was. I still have a long way to go before I'm "back to health", and have been feeling increasingly isolated by people reacting as though I'm well again when I'm not. I'm doing better, but I haven't even reached my baseline in terms of health and energy.

Having said that, there are things I'm grateful for. At the beginning of the week, I had the chance to reconnect with old friends, both from my teen years and my childhood years. I have also been able to start connecting with a new friend and I am so excited by that!

I also spent a couple of hours on the beach on Thursday, which was pleasant and probably the most rested I've felt all week. I'll just finish with some photos from that time!

Thanks for sticking with me guys!

Laura Dee