Oh Lord, my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds thy hand hath made
I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
Then sings my soul, my saviour God to thee
How great thou art, how great thou art!
Hello, my friends!
I'm so sorry that this update is so overdue! But the last few months have been rocky for me. Still, I'm back, and alive, sitting here with a cup of white tea based chai.
So, the update! How have I been doing? And what's been happening?
Well, I started on antidepressants recently and am currently half way through my fourth week. Why did I not start on these sooner, you ask? Well, the truth is, I haven't needed them before. In the past, my depression manifested itself as Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which means: depression during the winter months, healthy during the summer months. Which meant I could basically see a counsellor to help me through the winter months and then be alright with the return of summer.
That is not what happened this time. Instead, winter last year was accompanied by vitamin deficiency and anxiety. As winter turned into summer, and I stopped studying, the anxiety lessened and the depression began making itself known. Still, I was hopeful that as before, the support of a psychologist would be enough to see me through. Then winter started creeping back in and I started getting noticeably worse. I'd go for days without showering and dressing, and would rock up to things having hauled myself out of bed a mere half hour previously. If that. For those of you who don't know me so well, that is very, very not normal for me.
Anyway, around this time a beloved aunt of mine reached out to me. I went to spend some time with my extended family and discovered that I was not the mental health freak I thought I was - depression is actually very common amongst us. At least, on that side. My aunt also started talking to me about medication and how helpful it is. After talking with her and a few other people in my family, I decided it was time. This time, I wasn't getting better, I was getting worse. Medication it was.
I hauled my butt to my doctor's and told her I thought medication would be helpful. She agreed. I started on it that same day.
The first three weeks were, relatively speaking, phenomenal. I was sleeping better. I was waking up early (8 or 9 as opposed to 10 or 11) and was actually able to get stuff done with my days. My high activity days were still everyone else's low activity days, but hey! It's an improvement.
Last weekend, I was even able to go out with my Mum and sister, go for a long walk around Sydney, attend church twice and then spend a late night out catching up with some dear friends over dinner. I was even able to spend an hour and a half catching up with some other friends on Tuesday morning and then make the drive back home still energised.
Then came the crash. I fell asleep halfway through Bible study. I only got out of bed on Wednesday because I had an appointment to see my doctor. She noticed I was feeling flat. The last few days have been spent in bed, and sleeping during the day (not something healthy me would usually do, like, ever). Today is a better day. I'm showered and dressed. I went out, I'm even writing. Hopefully this means I'm on another upswing.
During this time, I came across the blog of Ana Harris, the wife of Brett Harris (co-author of The Rebelution and Do Hard Things). Ana is 24 and has spent the vast majority of her five year marriage terribly sick. For her health, she and Brett have had to leave behind civilisation. The blog is her recovery story, being told to us as it happens. I have read every single post.
Through it, God is teaching me that my body is not my enemy, but my ally. For a woman who is used to being active and full of energy, it's easy to see my body as an enemy when it prevents me from doing the things I love. It's an important paradigm shift for me to start viewing it as my ally, telling me when enough is enough. And I need the megaphone of ill health to make me listen to my own needs.
This whole thing is also one long, admittedly frustrating at times, lesson in patience and trust. I am not good at taking things slowly. Mum says I never bothered learning to crawl - walking (read: running) was a much faster mode of transport, and therefore more desirable. That attitude has not changed. To my detriment, these days.
Anyway, for those of you have been praying: thank you so much! I need all the prayer I can get. To my family: thank you for being such a great support! To God: thanks for being infinitely more patient and faithful than I.
And that's it for this update! I should be back soon with more posts. God willing!
Love,
Laura Dee
