Not the Plan

I had it all planned out. I would leave my parents place at 4, run an errand, fill up my tank and then by 4:30 I would be on the road to my friend's house. Everything would go smoothly, I would arrive there at 5:30 and we'd go to church at 6:30. See? All planned!

Of course, I had forgotten to factor in the big game happening across the road. The area was parked up for a two block radius. By the time I had found a park, walked to the shops, grabbed what I wanted and walked back it was already 4:30. I chewed on my lip, decided not to stress and just drive to the petrol station.

Two minutes later saw my car refusing to start at a roundabout. With my nose jutting out slightly. I was completely out of gas.

I started freaking out. I couldn't stay where I was. I couldn't move. I needed to ring my parents. This was not part of the plan.

Questions swirled: should I stay where I was and hope for the best? Should I get out and push my own car? Should I get out and ask the guy in the car behind me for help? What was I going to do?

I started breathing too fast. My hands were shaking. I was terrified.

Just then, I saw that the guy behind me had gotten out of his car and was walking towards me. I took a deep breath, composed myself, and rolled down my window. I didn't know what to expect.

"Put her in neutral and I'll push you around the corner." He wasn't yelling at me! I breathed a sigh of relief, then thanked him.

He pushed me around the corner and I coasted forward, stopping across a driveway. Well, at least I was no longer sitting with my nose sticking into potential traffic at a roundabout.

I pulled out my phone. I called Mum. No answer. Freak out resumed.

The guy who had helped me pulled up and came over again. I rolled my window down again and explained that I was out of petrol. He asked if I needed any help and I told him I was going to ring my parents. He looked relieved then offered to push me again so that I wasn't over the driveway.

I called Dad. Immediately, he came out with some petrol to put into my tank. For a brief moment, it looked like it was working. Then the car stopped again and wouldn't start. Dad hopped back in his car and drove to the nearest petrol station to get more fuel.

This time, we poured 5 litres in. The engine was turning over, but kept sputtering to a stop before any real success was achieved.

Dad popped the hood. Nothing. We conferred briefly and he jumped back in his car to go get some rope.

At this point, it was 5:30. I was starting to realise that I wasn't going to make it to my friends house on time! So yeah. This is not the way I planned it. At all.

And I couldn't help but see the similarities between this incident and my life.

I let myself go too long without taking proper care of myself. "Just a little while longer. I can do this! It's sorted". I knew I had emotional scars and suspected that I had depression, but I was coping. At least, I was getting stuff done.

Then came the anxiety attacks. The signs that I really had gone too far and my body was going to force me to stop. So I did. Sort of. I got someone to push me for a little while and mistook that for "all better!".

I got stuck again. I got some more help. I tried to start up again. It looked like it was going to work. Then came the start of uni and the realisation that I could not handle it just then. That was not part of the plan.

But that is where I ended up. Sitting in my car, re-evaluating my plans and not knowing when, or even if, I'd be able to carry on with my original plans. And I'm terrified.

Spring is Coming!!

Hey guys!

Sorry this is so late in the day, but it was afull on week, so I took today really slowly. Which was much needed and greatly enjoyed!

First of all, I want to thank everyone who took time to answer the question in my survey! The answers were all really helpful! If you haven't had a chance to answer those questions, the survey will be open for another week, and can be found here. I'd love it if you could head on over there and answer them. They're helping me made this blog a lot better!

Secondly, this one is mostly pictorial: because spring is coming and it makes me so happy!! It helps that I have the time and the energy to really pay attention this year. Have there always been this many birds, flowers, and insects around, or have I just been really tunnel-visioned?

Anyway, enjoy these beautiful sights!!

Thank you!
Laura Dee

May I ask for your help?

Hello friends!

Today, I'm starting those steps towards the promised content I've been talking about for ages!

First of all, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been reading and praying for me. I know I haven't been the most regular blogger ever, so it really does mean so much that people care enough to check in when I do post.

Second of all, I am going to continue with my gratitude/update posts. I seem to be getting those done on a fortnightly basis, so, for the time being I will stick to a fortnightly schedule. On the alternative week in the cycle, I will have a mid-week post. This will focus more on some of the topics and issues I've mentioned in passing over the last few months. Namely: trusting in God through suffering and lament.

This is where you come in. In order to help me with focusing the posts, and even just my own thinking, I would love your input. To do that, I'd really appreciate it if you could head over to this link and answer three short questions about lament and suffering.

Once you've done that, I'd love it if you could share this post with the link around as I would love to hear from as many people as possible.

Once again, thank you so much for everything. I'm looking forward to hearing from you all,

Laura Dee

Driving Without a Destination

So, it's been a couple of weeks since I posted, but there should be an increasing regularity of posts from here on out. I actually have drafts!! But for now, I'm going to share what I'm grateful for this fortnight!

1) the return of my creativity! Or, more accurately, the return of my ability to exercise it. This has been showing up in the increasing of knitting, writing, cooking, baking, room arranging and photography I've been doing. You have no idea how excited I am for this! The more anxious and depressed I became, the less I engaged in the creative stuff I love, and I didn't even realise it. It's only been this last fortnight that I've really noticed my creativity resurfacing, and it genuinely makes me so, so happy. Because when I did think about it, I either thought I must have imagined ever being creative or that I would never be creative again. Both options scared me.

2) This is pretty much all today. Which isn't to say that there hasn't been other stuff in thankful for over the last two weeks, but today was a wonderful day.

Yesterday, I asked God to help me feel the immediacy, the reality, of His presence and love in my life. And today He answered spectacularly. Which isn't to say I'm miraculously better, just that today was a day I in which I felt comforted, loved and refreshed.

My day started before sunrise, and had lasted nearly 12 hours (so  I am actually feeling very tired), but I've spent the entire day driving around without a plan or a specific destination in mind. I've visited state parks, beaches, lookouts and my favorite tea shops. Throughout the day, God has been showing me some pretty awesome stuff, gifts for my heart, if you will. But I won't bore you with words! Take a look for yourselves!

Love,
Laura Dee