The hard part was waking up this morning and realizing I'd need to go grocery shopping before I could eat breakfast. Or any meal really. It was in the sitting down to figure out what exactly I could afford to get and how I could make the most out of it meals-wise. Who knew honey was so expensive?
The hard part was realizing that at this point, I may as well wait till lunchtime to eat, because by the time I'd gotten ready to go out and buy the food, it would be nearly lunchtime.
The hard part was in getting sidetracked from my preparations to get the groceries when I realized I hadn't set up the fortnightly payments of my rent. And realizing that the funds in my account would not last for the years rent, not unless I got a job. And the hard part was seeing the reminder pop up that uni fees also needed to be paid at some point.
So yeah, the hard part is most definitely not the geography, it's the finances. It's having it in my head that I need to get a job and trying to figure out how to make what I've got last.
And as I sat at my computer flicking through uni sites and my bank accounts and Coles shopping catalogues, my eyes fell on my little flip-o-thingy of encouragements to breathe. And yesterday's page had a reminder to breathe while doing the simple tasks, while steeping tea, because it's the small things that help the mind relax.
So I went and made myself a tea (and was asked if I was the one doing the load of laundry responsible for the slight overflow in water, right near some electrical appliances - no, I wasn't, but breathe...). And I came back, sat down again and flipped to today's page.
Thoughts filled with Jesus leave no room for despair.And suddenly, things aren't quite so overwhelming. I can breathe - and be grateful that oxygen is free. I can breathe - and depend on God to provide for my needs. I can breathe - and know that Jesus has dealt with my greatest problem. I can breathe - and know that even if I do go hungry from time to time (unlikely as that actually is), God will use it for good. And by that, I mean for His glory.
And we never really stop being dependent. We really shouldn't. Total independence really is just an illusion, fools gold polished and presented as really gold. It is something used to distract from dependence on God. It is used to make foolish people think they are wise. It is used to make blind people think they can give everybody else directions.
Independence is not something I want to strive for. Dependence is. Dependence on God for my next breath, for my next meal, for my rent, for a job. And I don't mean sitting back and hoping things just fly at me, I just mean the realization that without God's provision, I would have absolutely nothing.
And as long as I stay focused on the Cross, on Jesus, on His life, on His Sacrifice, on Him as Mediator and High Priest, the matters of this world become dim. It's not that they cease to matter, it's just that they no longer seem matter more than they really do. Because they are temporary. They will come and go with time, with situation. There's nothing really that can happen to change them. Nothing that can be done to control them. They come and go like the mist, fleeting, unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
What matters, what really truly matters, is where I stand with God. Do I depend on Him to provide for me as a father provides for His children? Do I depend on Him to care for me as a counsellor cares for her patients? Do I depend on Him to Rule my life as a good King? Do I serve Him as one who acknowledges that He is Creator, Ruler, King of Kings?
The answers to those questions, acted out in my behaviours regarding my finances, my friends, my enemies, my studies, my possessions, my very life, are what really matters in the long term.
Is God my King or just my genie?
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