And so, for the conclusion of this not-quite-epic series reflecting back on beach mission. This will be a little bit lighter than the last 3 have been, with some anecdotes and much more general reflections.
To begin with, I know I was extremely blessed by the team. They were all so supportive and encouraging of everyone. Those who came to hug me, encourage me, pray with me, advise me or simply chat with me touched me more deeply than they could ever know. I thank my God and Father for them, because I have no one else like them. No one at all.
I want each and every one of them to know how special they are each and every day of their lives and pray that they run the race before us with perseverance, shedding everything that weighs them down and trusting only in God.
I was so blessed in the form of my visitation partner. His constant concern, encouragement, willingness to listen, chat (both generally and deeply), or advise was a continual source of strength and reassurance for me, and am very grateful that he was willing to let God work through him in that way. I pray that it is a friendship we can maintain even when we're not on mission.
The leaders of the mission were also a source of deep joy, strength and encouragement for me. I think particularly of my high school chaplain and his wife, as well as our two directors. All four were, and are, excellent models of servant leadership. I particularly praise God for our female director who came on mission very heavily pregnant. My dear, I hope you're reading these words, and I hope they are of some encouragement as you step into your new role as mother: I know you often felt frustrated at what you couldn't do, but you were doing so much just by being there. That you were willing to come, despite the discomfort, even pain, and were willing to talk with us, help us out and love is in everyway you could, speaks volumes about the woman you are in God. Thank you for your honesty with me when I was down and for all your smiles and laughs and general good cheer. It spoke to my heart about God and love in a way I have no words for.
To the rest of you: thank you so much. I truly mean that.
I will treasure the memories of watching Love in a tent late into the night; of brushing the hair of some of the gorgeous young women who were down there on our last night; of spending New Years Eve in warm companionship with some of the older women; of watching the children play games with the older ones; of watching our littlest one's face light up when he was presented with a huge drawing of Superman and Batman to colour in; of sitting on the sand listening to people more musical than I play the guitar and sing while watching others surf; of running into the water and spinning so fast I nearly fell, laughing because I felt safe; of watching the guys challenge each other to fit through a thin gap between two bars (and succeeding); of laughter, tears, tea (lots of it too) and food; but most of all the memories of us singing praise to God together in the mornings before the start of each day.
I know that, like me, the mission was difficult for many of my team members. I know I'm not the only one who cried. But I suspect that, like me, no one would trade the time on mission for anything else. Anything at all.
Because the challenges, the difficulties, the heart-wrenching moments, was what made it special - because that was when we saw God working most clearly.
And reflecting back, I think that I won't change to the cooking team, as I very seriously considered doing. I don't think that's where God wants me.
I think He wants me right where I am, working with the children, interacting with the campers. Because, even though I felt I was drowning, God's grace kept me afloat and going.
And I know God wants me to be right at the centre of His grace.
Finally, beach mission reminded me of something very, very important:
I cannot.
But God can.
I am incapable, unworthy and powerless.
But God is capable, worthy and powerful.
I cannot.
God can.
And He empowers me to keep living my life day by day in service to Him.
And that, my friends, is what I call grace. Sweet grace. Amazing Grace.
For the other parts of this series, see below:
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 1 of 4)
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 2 of 4)
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 3 of 4)
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Monday, 17 February 2014
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 1 of 4)
One of the, if not THE biggest challenge of beach mission at the being of the ear was how completely and utterly useless I felt. Honestly, I felt like a bit of deadweight flapping around and contributing exactly zero.
And, of course, Satan immediately came in with all those lies I've spent a life time battling.
Those insidious lies that I am worthless and I have nothing to contribute. God can't use me. What was I even doing there? Who did I think I was? I didn't just have nothing. I was nothing.
On the third day, in a moment of utter loneliness and desolation, I found myself breaking down, unable to hold my pain in.
And, of course, God acted to show me just how wrong Satan's lies are.
In a moment when I thought I was invisible, though I was alone in my pain, two team members found me and prayed for me, assuring me through their words and their actions that they loved me and saw me, and, more importantly, that God saw me and loved me. Loved me enough to care that I was alone and hurting. And, so many others came and hugged me, checked to make sure I'm alright. I have no words to explain how truly grateful I am.
Still, that sense never left me, and I finished the week feeling certain I had contributed nothing to the mission.
It was interesting, chatting about it on the last day with some of the other members of the team. Their reactions to my confession of feeling useless showed me that from their point of view, I had contributed. More than that, my contribution was valuable and valued. To know that was certainly encouraging.
Now, having had a number of days to reflect on the experience, I now realize that there were a number of factors at play there that week. Both in me and around me. It helped that a dear friend of mine was willing to sit down and chat about it.
So, in this post I'll be talking through what the first factor was. I'll be writing about the over the next couple of days.
So, the first factor was definitely my own sin.
I was, quite bluntly, extremely self-absorbed. To be honest, it pains me to admit that, even to myself. Selfishness is a trait I loathe, but I despise hypocrisy even more. So, there you have it: I was being selfish.
Don't get me wrong, I was actively looking for opportunities to serve and sacrifice. I trust that I can say, without arrogance, that the Holy Spirit has been working in me for too long for me to simply abandon a genuine love and compassion at the first sign of trouble.
But, in my heart, my sinful nature was exerting itself and twisting the selflessness God has developed in me on myself - making me selfish. Does that make any sense at all?
Essentially, instead of rejoicing in every act of service I was doing as an act of God's grace, I was focusing on every act of service I wasn't doing as a sign of my failure and lack of ability. Instead of focusing on God and what He was doing, I was focusing on myself and what I wasn't doing as a measure of my worth.
Completely selfish and extremely dumb.
Another sin I was committing was that of comparison and coveting.
Which, you know, is 100% connected with selfishness. But part of my problem was that I was looking at, and comparing myself to, some of the other team members. And I'm sure you know the kinds I'm talking about. Those who were my opposites in terms of gifting. I looked at those who gifted at connecting with people instantly and striking up natural, easy conversation. People who were gifted at things that leave me shaking in my boots and tongue-tied.
And, I'm sure you know how comparing works, but I was setting their ease and comfort up as the standard I as trying to attain. More than that, I was meant to be. And, of course, I was falling short.
Which led to a discontentment with myself that fed into my certainty of my failure and blinded me to what I was capable of and what I was actually doing.
I hope that at this point you've been able to follow what I've been saying. At the moment, I'll leave this year, and tomorrow I'll talk through this some more.
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 2 of 4)
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 3 of 4)
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 4 of 4)
And, of course, Satan immediately came in with all those lies I've spent a life time battling.
Those insidious lies that I am worthless and I have nothing to contribute. God can't use me. What was I even doing there? Who did I think I was? I didn't just have nothing. I was nothing.
On the third day, in a moment of utter loneliness and desolation, I found myself breaking down, unable to hold my pain in.
And, of course, God acted to show me just how wrong Satan's lies are.
In a moment when I thought I was invisible, though I was alone in my pain, two team members found me and prayed for me, assuring me through their words and their actions that they loved me and saw me, and, more importantly, that God saw me and loved me. Loved me enough to care that I was alone and hurting. And, so many others came and hugged me, checked to make sure I'm alright. I have no words to explain how truly grateful I am.
Still, that sense never left me, and I finished the week feeling certain I had contributed nothing to the mission.
It was interesting, chatting about it on the last day with some of the other members of the team. Their reactions to my confession of feeling useless showed me that from their point of view, I had contributed. More than that, my contribution was valuable and valued. To know that was certainly encouraging.
Now, having had a number of days to reflect on the experience, I now realize that there were a number of factors at play there that week. Both in me and around me. It helped that a dear friend of mine was willing to sit down and chat about it.
So, in this post I'll be talking through what the first factor was. I'll be writing about the over the next couple of days.
So, the first factor was definitely my own sin.
I was, quite bluntly, extremely self-absorbed. To be honest, it pains me to admit that, even to myself. Selfishness is a trait I loathe, but I despise hypocrisy even more. So, there you have it: I was being selfish.
Don't get me wrong, I was actively looking for opportunities to serve and sacrifice. I trust that I can say, without arrogance, that the Holy Spirit has been working in me for too long for me to simply abandon a genuine love and compassion at the first sign of trouble.
But, in my heart, my sinful nature was exerting itself and twisting the selflessness God has developed in me on myself - making me selfish. Does that make any sense at all?
Essentially, instead of rejoicing in every act of service I was doing as an act of God's grace, I was focusing on every act of service I wasn't doing as a sign of my failure and lack of ability. Instead of focusing on God and what He was doing, I was focusing on myself and what I wasn't doing as a measure of my worth.
Completely selfish and extremely dumb.
Another sin I was committing was that of comparison and coveting.
Which, you know, is 100% connected with selfishness. But part of my problem was that I was looking at, and comparing myself to, some of the other team members. And I'm sure you know the kinds I'm talking about. Those who were my opposites in terms of gifting. I looked at those who gifted at connecting with people instantly and striking up natural, easy conversation. People who were gifted at things that leave me shaking in my boots and tongue-tied.
And, I'm sure you know how comparing works, but I was setting their ease and comfort up as the standard I as trying to attain. More than that, I was meant to be. And, of course, I was falling short.
Which led to a discontentment with myself that fed into my certainty of my failure and blinded me to what I was capable of and what I was actually doing.
I hope that at this point you've been able to follow what I've been saying. At the moment, I'll leave this year, and tomorrow I'll talk through this some more.
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 2 of 4)
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 3 of 4)
Heavenly Father, I Cannot, but You Can (part 4 of 4)
Monday, 11 November 2013
Some Reflections, One Resolution and Thanksgiving #45
So, between the wedding on Saturday, this awesome post by my friend Mel, the run of the mill jokes at school and the shows that I have on my list of things to watch following the completion of my exams (just one week left!), relationships, romance and love has been coming up a lot.
And I mean, a lot.
It seems like everywhere I look, people are falling in love (with the exception of Mel, who has made an awesome decision - go read that post! Also, you go, girl!) and starting or continuing romantic relationships.
Which is awesome and all, but it has got me thinking about that kind of thing. And what my attitude is going to be about it once I finish with high school forever!
One of the things I've realized, and I said as much at youth group on Friday, that the amount of romance I have been seeing has been making me less content with being single. Making it harder to celebrate the fact that at this moment in time, God has given me the incredible gift of singleness and easier to wonder why I don't have that special someone (which is silly seeing as how much of my life I have left!).
This question is made even more pertinent (the first one about my attitude) by the fact that I will soon be 18, which is the age I have always said I will start considering the possibility of dating.
Mel's post (if you haven't already - go read!) gave me a lot to think about.
Now, my starting attitude is slightly different to hers. I'm coming more from the it-would-be-nice-to-have-a-boyfriend-but-honestly-I-don't-need-or-particularly-want-one camp (yay for long words!). Still, that is something that could very easily change next year as I meet new guys. Plus, even coming from that camp, I still have moments with most of the guys I've come across where I stop and analyse whether or not I would want to date them (so when I say I wouldn't date someone, I honestly would not date them).
Still, what she was talking about was still challenging.
The question I then asked myself was: am I ready to consider being in a relationship?
After some reflection (it didn't take long) I decided that no, I wasn't.
Sure, it would be lovely to be in a relationship with a guy who I can hug when I'm having a rough day, or who'll come over and do random stuff with just because, and someone who can lead me and guide me closer to God. BUT, I am not yet ready for that.
See, the thing is, I'm not yet at that point where I am so deeply in love with God that He will remain the centre of my relationship and my life. At this point in time, it would be far too easy for me to start idolizing the guy and not my God.
And that is, for me, a big no-no.
God, and God alone, has the right to the centerpiece of my life. He, and He alone, as the right to be Master and Ruler of my heart.
Besides, He is awesome and wonderful and incredible, and why would I want to love anyone else more than Him?
As well as this, a secondary point, my character is not yet ready to act as the woman in a romance. I still have a lot of growth ahead of me before I am ready to be the kind of woman who can unconditionally love and support a man. Don't read that wrong - I'm not waiting to be perfect! I just now that at the moment, I am not ready for it.
So, I have decided on this:
Next year, I am planning to do Year 13, an awesome gap year program that involves Bible study and ministry. I am going to devote that year to developing my relationship with God.
There will be no development of romantic relationships in that year.
The focus will be on falling deeper in love with GOD and building friendships with the people I meet.
If any guy wants to date me, I'm sorry in advance to him (chances are, admittedly, slim), but the answer is no.
And I figure, if he is the right guy, or is serious about pursuing and caring for my heart, then he'll not only be willing to wait, but will also support me in my decision and be happy to just be my friend (should this scenario happen, I have some close girlfriends that I will ask to help keep me accountable to the boundaries that will be established).
The important thing for me next year, is to fall in love with God. To grow as His child and to bring Him honour.
The purpose is not to prepare myself for romance, rather, I have decided to abstain from romance in order to focus on the far more important Love of my Life.
And I ask all you who read this post to hold me accountable to this. To challenge me if a relationship starts to develop, to slap me if I ignore your challenge, and to be challenging me about my relationship with God. The last thing I want to do is get complacent!
At the end of next year, I'll probably revisit the question and decide whether I wish to keep abstaining from romance or will be open to the possibility of a relationship.
So check in with me then to find out!
Also, I've just realized that I haven't continued with the thought about contentment in singleness - being purposeful about being single will, I am certain, help me with it. Also, if I find myself getting too discontent, well, bye-bye romcoms for a while!
And now, on a completely unrelated note - my thanksgiving point! Christmas is on the 45th day from now!
So, today I am very thankful for the exams I sat. They had the potential to be absolutely devastating, and, praise the Lord, the weren't! Still my worst exams in this lot to date, but they were not devastating, which gives me great hope as they are the ones I feared the most (short of tomorrow morning's exam).
So, thank God that the exams were good and I was able to recall most of what I had learnt. It is such a weight off my shoulders! Only 6 left now!!
And I mean, a lot.
It seems like everywhere I look, people are falling in love (with the exception of Mel, who has made an awesome decision - go read that post! Also, you go, girl!) and starting or continuing romantic relationships.
Which is awesome and all, but it has got me thinking about that kind of thing. And what my attitude is going to be about it once I finish with high school forever!
One of the things I've realized, and I said as much at youth group on Friday, that the amount of romance I have been seeing has been making me less content with being single. Making it harder to celebrate the fact that at this moment in time, God has given me the incredible gift of singleness and easier to wonder why I don't have that special someone (which is silly seeing as how much of my life I have left!).
This question is made even more pertinent (the first one about my attitude) by the fact that I will soon be 18, which is the age I have always said I will start considering the possibility of dating.
Mel's post (if you haven't already - go read!) gave me a lot to think about.
Now, my starting attitude is slightly different to hers. I'm coming more from the it-would-be-nice-to-have-a-boyfriend-but-honestly-I-don't-need-or-particularly-want-one camp (yay for long words!). Still, that is something that could very easily change next year as I meet new guys. Plus, even coming from that camp, I still have moments with most of the guys I've come across where I stop and analyse whether or not I would want to date them (so when I say I wouldn't date someone, I honestly would not date them).
Still, what she was talking about was still challenging.
The question I then asked myself was: am I ready to consider being in a relationship?
After some reflection (it didn't take long) I decided that no, I wasn't.
Sure, it would be lovely to be in a relationship with a guy who I can hug when I'm having a rough day, or who'll come over and do random stuff with just because, and someone who can lead me and guide me closer to God. BUT, I am not yet ready for that.
See, the thing is, I'm not yet at that point where I am so deeply in love with God that He will remain the centre of my relationship and my life. At this point in time, it would be far too easy for me to start idolizing the guy and not my God.
And that is, for me, a big no-no.
God, and God alone, has the right to the centerpiece of my life. He, and He alone, as the right to be Master and Ruler of my heart.
Besides, He is awesome and wonderful and incredible, and why would I want to love anyone else more than Him?
As well as this, a secondary point, my character is not yet ready to act as the woman in a romance. I still have a lot of growth ahead of me before I am ready to be the kind of woman who can unconditionally love and support a man. Don't read that wrong - I'm not waiting to be perfect! I just now that at the moment, I am not ready for it.
So, I have decided on this:
Next year, I am planning to do Year 13, an awesome gap year program that involves Bible study and ministry. I am going to devote that year to developing my relationship with God.
There will be no development of romantic relationships in that year.
The focus will be on falling deeper in love with GOD and building friendships with the people I meet.
If any guy wants to date me, I'm sorry in advance to him (chances are, admittedly, slim), but the answer is no.
And I figure, if he is the right guy, or is serious about pursuing and caring for my heart, then he'll not only be willing to wait, but will also support me in my decision and be happy to just be my friend (should this scenario happen, I have some close girlfriends that I will ask to help keep me accountable to the boundaries that will be established).
The important thing for me next year, is to fall in love with God. To grow as His child and to bring Him honour.
The purpose is not to prepare myself for romance, rather, I have decided to abstain from romance in order to focus on the far more important Love of my Life.
And I ask all you who read this post to hold me accountable to this. To challenge me if a relationship starts to develop, to slap me if I ignore your challenge, and to be challenging me about my relationship with God. The last thing I want to do is get complacent!
At the end of next year, I'll probably revisit the question and decide whether I wish to keep abstaining from romance or will be open to the possibility of a relationship.
So check in with me then to find out!
Also, I've just realized that I haven't continued with the thought about contentment in singleness - being purposeful about being single will, I am certain, help me with it. Also, if I find myself getting too discontent, well, bye-bye romcoms for a while!
And now, on a completely unrelated note - my thanksgiving point! Christmas is on the 45th day from now!
So, today I am very thankful for the exams I sat. They had the potential to be absolutely devastating, and, praise the Lord, the weren't! Still my worst exams in this lot to date, but they were not devastating, which gives me great hope as they are the ones I feared the most (short of tomorrow morning's exam).
So, thank God that the exams were good and I was able to recall most of what I had learnt. It is such a weight off my shoulders! Only 6 left now!!
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