Trust and Fear: Mutually Exclusive?

A couple of weeks ago, I told the first half of my adventure of running out of petrol. This week, I bring to you the stunning conclusion!

So, Dad came back with rope and tied my car to his. He then told me how this was going to work and got back into his car.

I took a couple of deep breaths, and then let myself and my car be pulled.

Let me tell you, it was one of the most nerve-wracking experiences of my life. All I could do was press on the brake and turn the wheel. And even that was limited. I was totally at the mercy of my dad's driving. I was so not in control.

We maneuvered the streets of Penrith, me following my dad's lead and trying not to freak out too much. Trying not to concentrate on the fact that my car was being pulled along by a rope and that there was no margin for error.

It's not that I didn't trust my dad. Quite the contrary - I was putting more active trust in him than I had since I was very, very young. This time, for the first time in a very long time it was my life on the line. And I let him lead. I obeyed every direction he gave me. It was a combination of not having another option and knowing my dad would get me there safely.

And I did. I knew Dad wouldn't take unnecessary risks. I know he wouldn't put my life in danger.

But that didn't stop me from being scared. Terrified, even.

I had to remind myself a couple of times that yes, I was not in control, but that was OK, Dad was and I could trust him.

Then, even as my hands gripped my steering wheel and my foot hovered over my brakes, I had to laugh.

Because isn't that all of life? Especially as a Christian? We know we're not in control of our own lives. We have to actively choose to trust God, even though we don't know where we're turning next. Even though we can't know what's going to happen.

And it was the first time I'd realized, properly realized, that trust and fear are not mutually exclusive.

For a long time, I have believed, on whatever level, that if I truly trusted God, I would not be afraid. I would not be anxious. After all, the Bible often talks about us not being afraid, God has got this. And so, especially over this last year or so, I have felt shame that I was afraid. That I was struggling with the uncertainty of my life. I have wondered if that means I don't have faith, or if my trust is weak.

And there was an enormous sense of freedom when I realised what was happening on the road that day. When I realised that yes, I was afraid. Yes, the uncertainty was making my heart race. But no, that did not mean I did not trust my dad. In fact, I was trusting him more than I ever had. I was letting him take control and direct me in spite of all my fears. I was fighting back against them.

And I laughed when I realised that applied to my relationship with God as well. Yes, I am afraid. Yes, the uncertainty is making my heart race. No, that does not mean I don't trust him. I am trusting Him now more than I have for a while. I am letting Him take control and direct in spite of all my fears. And that's what counts.

God does not hold my fear against me, anymore than my dad did. He knows who I am. He remembers that I am made of dust. What matters to Him is that I continue to trust Him to bring me safely home, that I continue to obey His directions for my life, even - especially - in those times when I am acutely aware that I am not in control.