I woke up today and my fingers were freezing. My body was aching with my body's messenger congratulating me on my non-pregnant state - and thank you hormones, I knew I wasn't pregnant, why is it necessary to be so painful? My eyelids were heavier with exhaustion than when I went to bed and my body screamed at me for another hours sleep - just one more hour, we'll be fine after then! My mind wanted me to shut back down and not think about all that work ahead of me, the nine hour school day and the draft assignment that was due but not finished.
Instead, I forced myself out of bed, because really, that's life and lying in bed isn't going to protect you from it.
I stumped around the house, held up my sisters in the bathroom and generally made nuisance of myself.
And it's days like these that I remember why I had no answer for her, my friend of many years, that day she turned to me and asked in frustration how I could always be so patient.
Patient? Me?
I'm the most impatient person I know.
Just ask my family. They'll tell you.
They'll tell you how my words and actions cut like a knife. They'll tell you how I blow my top at them at the slightest provocation.
I excuse myself on the grounds of stress. I plead innocence on the grounds of tiredness, and pass the blame on to headaches. But really, the only person to blame is myself. Myself and my lack of patience.
Because patience isn't important when it's easy. When it's easy, are we really being patient, or are we just living our normal lives?
Because patience isn't about moving with the flow of our private, inner lives. Patience is about slowing ourselves down when the flow of our private lives is running on overload.
Patience is about love. It's about knowing that yes, maybe that hard word would make me feel better in this moment, but it's going to crush that beautiful soul, so I shouldn't say it.
Patience is about realizing that our needs are not the most important needs in the world, and that instead of expecting everyone else to comply to them we should be working to meet their needs.
Patience is about realizing that it's not that everyone else is moving too slowly, it's just that I'm moving too fast.
Patience is knowing to just. slow. down.
It's about remembering to breathe.
Because it's when breathing is agony that we need those breaths the most. It's when being slow is a killer that we need to be slow. And it's when being angry is easier that we need patience.
And patience is just about listening to laughter, and cracking mindless jokes. Patience is about waiting a heartbeat longer than necessary out in the cold so that the warmth is sweeter for everyone.
Patience is love, and love is God. So patience is fixing our eyes on God.
It's sitting on our knees praying to the God of Wonders.
It's seeing in our friends and family not nuisances, but miracles.
Because really, how can we be patient when we forget that everything is a gift from God?
Patience is counting our blessings when a harsh word comes to mind.
But most of all, patience is trusting that God will give me strength with every breath I breathe because I can't be patient on my own.
Patience is not me, it's God.
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